Sunday-Night / Monday-Morning Hot Mess

It's Friday towards the end of the work-day. You are making a mental image of what to tackle this upcoming weekend. If you're really lucky, this started on Thursday, but for many its Friday. As a graduate student, I some times (not always) procrastinate certain things to be done on the weekend. Why? Well, because there is endless time on weekends.

You may laugh out of ridiculous or your own experience, but for some reason I have this deluded thinking there is an vast amount of time from Friday afternoon to Sunday at bedtimes. It available only on the weekends to get everything done. Friday comes around and often I have this huge list already written down somewhere (or electronic nowadays) what is going to be done by me. I am the get it done champ of the to-do lists, master of organization.

What actually happens? Friday to-dos get pushed to Saturday. Then on Saturday morning (well its Saturday for sakes) you sleep in and half a day wasted. Somewhere in the logic of the moment, I assure myself I've worked so hard I deserve a day off. This of course does what? It pushes Friday to-dos that were pushed to Saturday along with Saturday to-dos for Sunday. Sunday might get a few things in the apartment and a few TV shows caught up, but then Sunday night gets here.

OH CRAP.

I have to do all those must-dos now. The symptoms of a diagnosis called SNMMHM (Sunday night/ Monday morning hot mess) starts. Its begin with buggy blinking eyes (turn red for some), sometimes there is crying, the fingers fidget, restless leg(or feet) syndrome is common, craving for sugar and coffee, stomach cramps from nerves (and sugar and coffee), headache from tension and from perceived failure, and then lack of sleep cranks it all up a notch. You have a Sunday night hot mess.
Guilty again. Back to work

Grades and Nurses

What are academic grades? In elementary, high school and undergrad college; grades were something I would strive and try to calculate endlessly. Why? Did the letter assigned to my knowledge reflect my actual intellect? When I was in nursing school, I dropped that fret for the perfect grades. Yes, they were nice to get, but no one makes great grades in nursing school, or no one I know will admit.

We had a motto in nursing school, "C=RN". I didn't understand the phrase entirely at first, but when I found myself passing courses by the "skin of my teeth", I finally understood. To tell you the truth, I don't think the perfect grade nurses actually made great nurses in practice. I am sure they were a walking reference for facts, but throw them in a trauma center on day one or a patient has cardiac arrest, can they apply that knowledge to the situation.

You see, I went to an associate degree nursing school. We were trained to perform at a highly skilled level. The process, muchly I've heard compares to the military, by weeding out the weak and narrowing down the candidates. The school I attended had a perfect passing rate of the nursing boards on the firat try. The local hospitals needed nurses ready to work at full or near full capacity STAT. When we graduated, I was hired into a highly-regarded emergency department in a busy city, and I felt I was prepared to handle the arena, or knew how to ask for "HELP!"

Now, I am by no means saying that Bachelorette prepared nurses in that area I graduated are not good nurses. On the contrary they are excellent nurses. I'm saying that straight A students with any degree in any field, sometimes have trouble performing in the real world. To react quickly and appropriately is a learned skill often attributed to real-world experience under stress and pressure from the environment (and your boss too). The idea of perfectionism can become so illusive, many lose sight of reality. For some, it can inflict insanity further isolating them from others.

Acceptance

I know a lot of people struggle with acceptance.
What does it really mean to be accepted?

Is it like when you want purchase something and when you check to see if your form of payment is accepted? Perhaps this is true as rejection of your preferred form of payment could be a blow to one's ego. Unlike most situations in real life, in this scenario you just default to another form of payment. Then again, is that unlike human behavior for some? One gets rejected as what they were hoping to be accepted, only to adopt another set of standards to possibly be accepted at the new image. Is acceptance then an image?

For many, the need to feel accepted as they are is only part of the human experience. For transgender people, for example, have a need to be accepted the way they want to be accepted. It is interesting when I meet someone who is transgender, who I have never known as the prior gender. I merely accept them the way the wish to be accepted. Most of the time, it is quite difficult to even imagine them as the prior gender. My thoughts are that they are actually wanting this, to be accepted as the way they want to be accepted.

For me, acceptance runs close to validation. Could those words be synonymous, or are they different? I realize during the time I have spent interacting with others, I really need to be in a space of self-love and acceptance of myself to receive the validation I seek from others. I falsely think another offering me validation will somehow give me self-assurance. Sure, it helps for someone to say you look amazing, or that that you are beautiful, but if you're not first saying that to yourself, you can't receive the message from others.

So now the question is, how do I work on that. Well, I am not a psycho-therapist or counselor, but I do know self-affirmations help, and it takes practice. Yes, it sounds and feels silly to look yourself in the mirror and give yourself compliments, but his form of "ego-masterbation" works for many. I have done them, but I mostly write them over and over and over again. This looks somewhat like a schoolchild in trouble writing on the chalkboard after class.

I am a beautiful and kind person
I am a lovable, beautiful, and kind person
I am a worthy of love
I am a very handsome man
I am a lovable person
I am a lovable person

Now, I could copy and paste, but that's not the point. Change a few words as you go, and trust me when I say within a few lines, you head will become more straight aligning with your shoulders, and perhaps, just perhaps a smile will form. This is it. The moment of a sensation of validation sought -It was within you all along.

The Doers and The Avoiders ... and then The Eventually-ers

One thing I have noticed about people is the notion of responding to something needing to get done. There are, what I phrase, the doers. These people will take care of almost every situation that arrises, typically without debate or push-back. The doers start from the time they it the floor in the morning until the time they shut their eyes for the night. Due to their get-it-down, will handle it, or otherwise take-care-of it operationalizing, their need to perform becomes a reliance to those around them.

At first, they don't mind being able to repair a broken light switch or have dinner plans prepared for the week. The doers, well, they seem to enjoy being wanted and "needed". It fulfills a purpose and a drive to be better and feel wanted. The problem arises over time, this will bare down on the doer. They start a little resentment as they are repairing, planning, or carrying out a task while others around them "take it easy". After all, according to most doers, if they don't do it, it won't get done. Perhaps this is a little control issue they have, or is this more a codependency ... or both.

Friends Connections

We all have friends. Some we cherish from childhood that are usually only a phone call away, while others drift in and out of lives from time to time. Why is it that some people we connect with others and others seems so distant? Is it something in their personality or something in their chemistry? I have often heard that pheromones play a role in it. I have also heard that someone's zodiac may contribute as well. Interestingly enough, three of my closest friends upon first meeting them, I didn't like them. It was like nails on the chalkboard. They were "know it alls", they were loud and annoying, and they voiced their opinions. Now for the sake of keeping them as friends and avoiding my tires being slashed anytime soon, I refuse to name them online. However, recognizing these traits about them, was I drawn to them or them to me. I'm a libra. I make peace with everyone and hate disruption. I have been told, I give a calming nature to people and appreciate the compliment. I have to admit though, it can be exhausting. Taking on others emotions or people the verbal punching bag can be hurtful to me. When do I get to voice my emotions? When do I get to verbally unload my frustrations? Well, I haven't found the safest place yet, but I do find writing, journaling, and painting really helps me. I haven't picked up a brush in a very long time, but I think that will change vey soon. As far a writing, well, you're reading it right now. Thank you. I cherish everyone that comes into my life, especially those that occasionally take a moment out of their day to send me a message and say, "Hi, I was just thinking of you".

If Just Only I Could

Do the words you choose determine your personality?

How many times has someone reading your work ever comment it sounds "weak"? Did you happen to use the word, "only" or "just"? Don't feel alone. I do it all the time without knowing. You see, I just don't know of another way to say things. See! I just used it. Dang it! I used it again. Now, read back over the previous few sentences and see if removing the word, "just" will still give the sentence the same meaning. Does this mean the person is weaker and the writer doesn't think very strongly of themselves? During my time attending CoDA meetings (Codependents Anonymous), someone may say they "only need a little attention", or if they could "just get their spouse to behave". In a group setting with other people sharing, the use of the words "only" and "just" stood out more than others. Here, we could quickly sense when the person sharing was thinking little of themselves and thought more of another person. We could also quickly identify when a person was wishing or thought they could control someone else. After a few meetings, you noticed yourself saying the same things in conversation. Wow! Could I think so little of myself that someone else was worth more. Duh, why was I at the meeting to begin with? I'll save that story for an entire chapter of my book, or rather an entire book in itself. For now, it's a work in progress. Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing weak or belittling of someone attending a 12-step program. If you know me well, you know that I can recite the 12-steps and the 12-traditions in my sleep. This topic will definitely be another chapter in the book. The point is that as an academic writer now and in the future, the words "just" and "only" may appear too weak and may not give the effect desired. My hopes are that I will have a good balance of academic and "fun" writing, so all those "justs" and "onlys" pent up inside me can bust out of my head without reserve.

Balls to the Walls

"Balls to the Walls". What does that mean and why do people use that term? Are they using it correctly?

The term initially makes the third grade boy in me giggle inappropriately a little. (Visually that wouldn't make sense). My first time hearing the term, I was working in a city emergency room when one of the ER physician told an EMS dispatcher that we (the ER department) were, "balls to the wall and couldn't accept anymore trauma patients". I couldn't imagine what he meant by that. Now, this was in Montgomery, Alabama and many of our ER physicians were from the country for which we heard many odd antiquated terms and informed about many unusual home remedies for everyday ailments. Needless to say, I was a little dumbfounded on the term, "balls to the wall". There were only two other male staff members that evening, so I assumed there was not a gender meaning, as my inner third grade boy would giggle about. Obviously in context, I felt the physician meant we were too busy or overloaded with work. In a general conversation with my mother, I got a little different reply. Now, if you have ever met my mother you could literally hear her reply. "It means the shit has hit the fan". Tasteful. Later, when I took up a administrative position at a hospital in Atlanta, the term was used again in a meeting. This time, everyone stopped what they were doing, and turned to look at this individual asking if they just said, "balls to the wall". The person put their head down in shame and said yes they had. This started a round of laughter around the room that confused me even more. Here I was shaming myself in Alabama for thinking the balls in balls to the wall meant something related to male genitalia, and now in a professional meeting with colleagues in Atlanta, Georgia, the implied meaning was of a perverse nature. So, this meant that I was on fact finding mission. According to on online site that describes the root of words and terms, the phase came from airplane pilots. The throttle for the fuel had a handle in the shape of a ball and when the pilots needed more speed for take off or to get through a tough area, they would say, put the "ball to the wall", the wall of the front of the cockpit. Well ... that meaning wasn't at all what I was expecting. My take away is to use the phrase when you want to get going and plow through an obstacle, to put the pedal to the metal or burn the midnight oil. (Those terms are for another blog at an other time).

The phrase balls to the wall, meaning an all-out effort, comes from the world of aviation. On an airplane, the handles controlling the throttle and the fuel mixture are often topped with ball-shaped grips, referred to by pilots as (what else?) balls. Pushing the balls forward, close to the front wall of the cockpit increases the amount of fuel going to the engines and results in the highest possible speed.