Friends Connections

We all have friends. Some we cherish from childhood that are usually only a phone call away, while others drift in and out of lives from time to time. Why is it that some people we connect with others and others seems so distant? Is it something in their personality or something in their chemistry? I have often heard that pheromones play a role in it. I have also heard that someone's zodiac may contribute as well. Interestingly enough, three of my closest friends upon first meeting them, I didn't like them. It was like nails on the chalkboard. They were "know it alls", they were loud and annoying, and they voiced their opinions. Now for the sake of keeping them as friends and avoiding my tires being slashed anytime soon, I refuse to name them online. However, recognizing these traits about them, was I drawn to them or them to me. I'm a libra. I make peace with everyone and hate disruption. I have been told, I give a calming nature to people and appreciate the compliment. I have to admit though, it can be exhausting. Taking on others emotions or people the verbal punching bag can be hurtful to me. When do I get to voice my emotions? When do I get to verbally unload my frustrations? Well, I haven't found the safest place yet, but I do find writing, journaling, and painting really helps me. I haven't picked up a brush in a very long time, but I think that will change vey soon. As far a writing, well, you're reading it right now. Thank you. I cherish everyone that comes into my life, especially those that occasionally take a moment out of their day to send me a message and say, "Hi, I was just thinking of you".

If Just Only I Could

Do the words you choose determine your personality?

How many times has someone reading your work ever comment it sounds "weak"? Did you happen to use the word, "only" or "just"? Don't feel alone. I do it all the time without knowing. You see, I just don't know of another way to say things. See! I just used it. Dang it! I used it again. Now, read back over the previous few sentences and see if removing the word, "just" will still give the sentence the same meaning. Does this mean the person is weaker and the writer doesn't think very strongly of themselves? During my time attending CoDA meetings (Codependents Anonymous), someone may say they "only need a little attention", or if they could "just get their spouse to behave". In a group setting with other people sharing, the use of the words "only" and "just" stood out more than others. Here, we could quickly sense when the person sharing was thinking little of themselves and thought more of another person. We could also quickly identify when a person was wishing or thought they could control someone else. After a few meetings, you noticed yourself saying the same things in conversation. Wow! Could I think so little of myself that someone else was worth more. Duh, why was I at the meeting to begin with? I'll save that story for an entire chapter of my book, or rather an entire book in itself. For now, it's a work in progress. Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing weak or belittling of someone attending a 12-step program. If you know me well, you know that I can recite the 12-steps and the 12-traditions in my sleep. This topic will definitely be another chapter in the book. The point is that as an academic writer now and in the future, the words "just" and "only" may appear too weak and may not give the effect desired. My hopes are that I will have a good balance of academic and "fun" writing, so all those "justs" and "onlys" pent up inside me can bust out of my head without reserve.

Balls to the Walls

"Balls to the Walls". What does that mean and why do people use that term? Are they using it correctly?

The term initially makes the third grade boy in me giggle inappropriately a little. (Visually that wouldn't make sense). My first time hearing the term, I was working in a city emergency room when one of the ER physician told an EMS dispatcher that we (the ER department) were, "balls to the wall and couldn't accept anymore trauma patients". I couldn't imagine what he meant by that. Now, this was in Montgomery, Alabama and many of our ER physicians were from the country for which we heard many odd antiquated terms and informed about many unusual home remedies for everyday ailments. Needless to say, I was a little dumbfounded on the term, "balls to the wall". There were only two other male staff members that evening, so I assumed there was not a gender meaning, as my inner third grade boy would giggle about. Obviously in context, I felt the physician meant we were too busy or overloaded with work. In a general conversation with my mother, I got a little different reply. Now, if you have ever met my mother you could literally hear her reply. "It means the shit has hit the fan". Tasteful. Later, when I took up a administrative position at a hospital in Atlanta, the term was used again in a meeting. This time, everyone stopped what they were doing, and turned to look at this individual asking if they just said, "balls to the wall". The person put their head down in shame and said yes they had. This started a round of laughter around the room that confused me even more. Here I was shaming myself in Alabama for thinking the balls in balls to the wall meant something related to male genitalia, and now in a professional meeting with colleagues in Atlanta, Georgia, the implied meaning was of a perverse nature. So, this meant that I was on fact finding mission. According to on online site that describes the root of words and terms, the phase came from airplane pilots. The throttle for the fuel had a handle in the shape of a ball and when the pilots needed more speed for take off or to get through a tough area, they would say, put the "ball to the wall", the wall of the front of the cockpit. Well ... that meaning wasn't at all what I was expecting. My take away is to use the phrase when you want to get going and plow through an obstacle, to put the pedal to the metal or burn the midnight oil. (Those terms are for another blog at an other time).

The phrase balls to the wall, meaning an all-out effort, comes from the world of aviation. On an airplane, the handles controlling the throttle and the fuel mixture are often topped with ball-shaped grips, referred to by pilots as (what else?) balls. Pushing the balls forward, close to the front wall of the cockpit increases the amount of fuel going to the engines and results in the highest possible speed.

ADN to PhD: What am I doing?

Well. Here I am. Almost a year into graduate school as a Masters in Health Education and already thinking about starting the PhD program next Fall. Am I crazy or being wise? I received my Associates in Nursing degree in 1996 and procrastinating bridging that to a Bachelors for 16 years. Now, I have an opportunity to finish my Masters and finish my PhD in one place, in one block of time, and on a tuition waiver for an assistantship. All of this with a research subject and a faculty that I really like. How many people will have this opportunity? Not many, I'm afraid. Yes, money will be tight, but when has it not been. Yes, I will be stressed and vent my fears to unsuspecting bystanders in my life. When have I not? Of course, I will need to beg for forgiveness when I do verbally attack someone, or offer myself as their punching bag if needed. I suspect that offer will be accepted more than I realize. Anyway, I want to go for it. I want to become the expert in my field of interest. Sure, I could do quite a bit with a Bachelors or Masters, but with a Doctorate, I am invited to the table. I will obtain the ability to change policy, to affect the lives of many for the better good. I will hold the card that will bypass the line of credentials along with the key to open doors never thought possible. I want to publish. I want to teach. I want to research. I want to influence how processes are done with people's health. I think some things are done way too half-hazardly because someone thought it was a good idea. Maybe so, but where is the philosophy in that. My goal is a PhD in Health Education to focus on health behaviors around weight maintenance. I am not exactly sure Health Education is the optimal fit, but perhaps some Psychology, Educational Psychology, Bio and Behavioral Statistics, Public Health, Qualitative Research, and Kinesiology courses thrown in will surfice my interest accomplishments.

Children vs. Pets

Ever since I can remember, I have contemplated the idea of raising children. When I was teenager, I remember telling my parents that I wanted about 10 or more. I use to teach preschool at church and loved the excitement of children learning something new. I was a nurse in a pediatric emergency room and enjoyed caring for them. Then, as time went on and the years passed, my thoughts changed to maybe not 10, but how about just 1. As life progressed as life does, I realized that children may not be a wise option for me. I feel I would have or could an amazing parent. My nurturing side is amazing and feel I could instill great qualities in a child. The problem is when I stop and think about the 24-hour commitment of being responsible for another human being scares the crap out of me. I love my pets, but they can handle time alone. The dog has little wants or needs. After a certain age, my routine is their routine. When I leave out of town, someone can watch them or they can stay in a kennel in an emergency situation. Could you image dropping a child off at a kennel? The cat takes care of himself. As long as there is food, water, and a clean litter box, he can go a day without anyone being there. You would be arrested for leaving a child unattended for 24 hours. After I got married in 2006, Carlos and I have discussed adopting. The idea sounds fantastic, but then the reality sets in and we say no. No. No. Now, if there was a situation that we had to step in and take care of a family or friend's child, there would be no hesitation, but the act of purposefully taking on the obligation is too overwhelming. We have greatly considered being donors for another couple to co-parent with the other couple being the primary care-givers. That idea is more appealing, sort of the fabulous every other weekend and special occasion parents. Only God knows what the future holds. I think many ventures are started too half-hazard and then there's no return. Raising a child, in my opinion should be thought about and considered carefully and thoroughly.

Good Deeds

What does it mean to do a good deed? Is it something you do for others, or could it be somehting you do for yourself? Perhaps doing something helpful for others helps you in return? I have often heard that to build self esteem, one must do esteem-able acts. Problem often arrises when one does an act of good deed, then feels a certain entitlement. This sense of entitlement comes in conflict with the reality of the purpose. The purpose in my opinion is to just always do the next right thing without regard of what might be received in return. Then, one might ask, why do good things for other people when I'm not going to get anything in return? You could do that. You could take that position of negativity and see how it works for you. My experience has been that positive energy attracts like positive energy. Who wants hang out or be around an ego maniac whom think they are entitiled to all the light of the world, yet fails to share their riches with other. These riches are not the financial ones that have broken friends and famiies apart for years. Afterall, when you die, what good does money good for you anyway? When you're in your 80's and 90's and all you have left are your thoughts and memories, wouldn't it be nice to have no regrets. Start simple. Holding the door for someone with their hands full, letting that person in front of you in traffic, flashing a beautiful smile at your neighbor with a kind "good morning", giving your time to those that crave connections, or saving a life at a pet adoption are ways to make the day of someone you may never see again. You never know how far one good deed will go. Enthusiasm is contagious and by starting with yourself right now, can foster a culture of love. My mother always said, "the world is round". She meant that whatever you send out will eventually return to you. Send out negative energy, get negative energy. Send out positive energy, get positive energy. The world in turn is a reflection of you.

Moody Spring Break

In elementary and high school, this was a highly sought after time of the year, third to Summer Break and Winter Break. Now that I am back in school on a campus, I had the same feeling of years past. The anticipation and excitement of a vacation and a break from studying. Well, I'm not as young as I use to be and the excitement of the day ended up sleeping late in the hotel room without any four-legged children waking me up at the crack of dawn whining for food or bathroom needs. Yes, the years of crowds of sexy people at the beach playing volley ball and swimming are a thing of the past. At least for this year. We traveled to Galveston which is only about 2 1/2 hours South of College Station. The beach is nice, but it was just my luck that the weather was a little too cool for beach time. Overall, it ended up being a great getaway. We did some much needed sleeping and reconnecting without digital distraction and school work. We enjoyed shopping and did a little site seeing. One of the highlights of sightseeing was a home called the "Moody Mansion". The Moody family moved to Galveston in late 1800's and purchased the home in 1900 just after a huge hurricane. The home is beautiful and definitely ahead of it's time with ventilation systems and even electricity early on. Carlos, being a history major as his bachelor's loved the history of it, while I enjoyed the design of the home, but especially the stories of the previous residents. As we passed through the home, I had a strange feeling of a presence in a room on the first floor. Now, I am not psychic not claim any 6th sense, and I wasn't sure if it was the layout of the room or perhaps just an odd feeling at that moment. I returned to the room before we left and had the same feeling. It was like a thickness in the air, a presence close to me, and the thought of a gentlemen in the room. It wasn't at all a scary or negative feeling, just like someone trying to get my attention. When reading the history of the family and listening to the tour guide, the name 'Shearn' as something odd and perhaps some 'gay-related' about this family member kept highlighting in my mind. When we left the home, I felt drained. I felt like I need to rest or get a coffee. I told my Carlos my experience and he reported not sensing anything. Later that night, Carlos took upon himself to do some research on the family. Come to find out, Shearn Jr., whom died in 1996 had a lover with a Las Vegas entertainer, another male. According to some post on the Internet, he was peculiar and at times odd as to have penguins as pets and a sliding board going from a second floor room to the pool at his home. There were not any records of him passing away in the Moody Mansion or any sitings of the such, but I do wonder if his spirit is there along with other family members. Then, as Carlos and I were visiting his family's home, he wanted to make his presence known to us. To let us know, there were "family" members in this Moody family. Even though the experienced initially made me feel physically drained and then upon finding out about Shearn Jr. character, made me feel a little aghast that my feelings at the home were on target, I did however felt a little more welcomed to the city of Galveston with a connection of sorts to the home and it's previous family.

http://www.moodymansion.org/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shearn_Moody,_Jr.

Instant Communication

When I was growing up, I spent every summer with my grandmother in a Virginia summer cottage. The nearest town was about a 20 minute drive away, but we did have a mailbox and a "party line" phone. The phone worked, but it was expensive to call long distance and this was way before answering machines and cell phones. It wasn't like we were ever bored. We had the Rappahannock River to play in, kids our age to play with, we went swimming, fishing, and caught crabs in crab traps. For a few years, I even had a small boat to travel around the river in. The only TV was black & white with only 2 channels on a clear day, and if it was from 10:00 am to 3:00 pm, the TV was monopolized by my grandmother watching the Price is Right and all the soap operas. This was a time period when we played outside creating our own entertainment or read a book on rainy days. Now this was in the early 1980's and computers were barely starting to make it's was into the home. Communication between home computers was not heard of. How did we stay in contact with everyone we knew? My cousin's and I would wait patiently everyday for the mailman to come deliver the mail. We knew the sound of the truck on the dirt road and would get excited with the thought a letter coming for us. The point of the mail delivery was contact from others outside of  our immediate world. I had a few pen pals, and would read their letters with delight and then hurry to write a letter back to them so it would get in the next day's outgoing mail. I suppose when this is all you have to communicate with, you utilized to your best. In those pen pal letters, we shared tons of information about what our days were like and how we felt about life. We asked questions that needed further discussion and we took our time to make sure the ideas flowed evenly.

Now back to the modern world. I would be surprised if an hour doesn't go by that I don't check my iPhone for new messages and emails. Facebook is my homepage on my desktop and I have over 1200 "friends" on there. What troubles me is the depth of the conversations I have with my actual friends now. Sometimes I get a "like" and sometimes I get a few words in comments. It's a great convenience for someone like me living 1000 miles from family and close friends to stay in some form of connection with them and keep up with each others lives. It has enabled me to connect with some people I had lost contact with in previous years. It's almost as if you're not on Facebook, then you don't exist, and if you do exist on there, is that really you. Some people I know fairly well, but the persona the portray is not the same as I know them. I suppose you have to take the good and the bad with it. On one hand, the convenience is nice, but on the other depth and meaning is lost.

Good Fruit Against Sour Thoughts

"Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bear bad fruit – and man is his own gardener." --John Leonard

I once heard that all action is born in thought. I suppose this to mean all bad actions then start in bad thoughts, as well as all good actions come from good thoughts. In a goal towards serenity and peace, why would someone then want think bad thoughts if they led to negative actions? Then one could argue, "what is bad and negative"? I think those are self defined by the individual themself, their family of origin, and the society they belong to. Of course, the legal system has more defined terms of good or bad. What would be bad in my mind could be good in someone else mind. I suppose it would come down to what behavior one would like to change or an action they would like to prevent. This in itself could go down a rabbit hole of a conversation about mindfulness that I won't attempt to approach in a simple blog today. In theory, one could work on changing thoughts to good thoughts. This in turn could promote good actions (by their own definition). Therefore, when would this ongoing progress of good thoughts and good actions become good habits? According to Aristotle, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit". No one living is perfect, so let's face it, we all have good and bad habits. Some we like and some want to change. I wonder if we could just do away with the word 'bad'. The word itself stirs up emotions from childhood and could send one into a spiral of internal rebellion. For now, for me, I think I will work on stopping myself with what I define as a 'bad' thought and change it into something more 'good'. Perhaps that loud obnoxious person at the store isn't annoying, they're just not pleasing to listen to at this moment. Perhaps that crazy disrespectful driver that cut in front of me isn't the bad word I want to say, but perhaps an individual having a stressful day that is merely getting to their destination the safest way they know how. I think the point here for me is to realize that other people are not causality of my bad thoughts, my negative thoughts are my own creation.

Back in the blog

As many of you know, I started graduate school in January. At 41 years old, this is not exactly an easy task as there is only one 'older than me' person in a class I am taking. That individual is in a PhD program and appears to be well adjusted. Why should age matter in social settings? Well, it matters because my belief is that most humans by existence, particularly this human (me), craves connection, comfort, and validation. I have heard many people say, "I don't need others to feel validated", but often I feel this statement isn't true for everyone. For me, I have this internal need to feel accepted and a part of, a form of validation in my opinion. Now, I realize I'm in school for a reason which is to merely learn and further my education. That reason is and should always be the main focus, although creating new friends and networks should also happen. Humans by nature thrive in collaboration. Often, it is difficult to connect with people that are of an age that could be my children. Sometimes, I wonder if they view me as their parents group, or as their peer. I view them as my peer and always respect them as a peer, but my previous experience with peers at work or social settings are with people in my own age group. Now, I am not about to attempt to be anything different than who I am, but where does comprise play a role? It creates a fine line of possibly subscribing to something that is not me. To be frankly honest, I need to give some liberty, this is only the end of the second month of classes. I am sure there are many of any age just starting a new school have felt this type of feeling described as partly loneliness and partly ineptness. For now, I will continue to be true to myself and respectful to my peers, and then those that do come into my life will be blessings to further my education in the course called 'life'.